I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I love having hate sex.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
