You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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