Is it normal to miss your booty call?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
