You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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