Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
