She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
