She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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