Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
