My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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