You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize