i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
