dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
