I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
