You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
