My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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