Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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