Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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