oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
