Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
