If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
