my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
