final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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