His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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