Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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