After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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