I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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