she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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