Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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