you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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