I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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