Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
