I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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