I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
