Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
