Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize