i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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