So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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