Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
