forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
