I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think people are normalizing furries
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
