My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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