He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
