So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
