turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
porn star boner night. come get it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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