I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
