I've blown a few things in my day
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
