The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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