There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize