i permit you to call me
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
