wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
