just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
