My friends, they love my intelligence
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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