If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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