The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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