Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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