my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
