dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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