My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
