I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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