All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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