i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
