I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
