Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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