She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
