Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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