Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
