It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
