im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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