I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
