new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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