I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize