that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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